You know, two years ago when Koki left, I made the instant decision that these guys can't be trusted. It's sad but it's the truth. And so, many times, without even noticing, while the other four members tell us how much they love us and will never leave us, in the back of my mind, there was a voice shouting 'liar... liar... liar'. That's how much Koki's leaving or rather, firing affected me... since that day, I decided that as much as I love them, KAT-TUN can not be trusted... not Kame, not Nakamaru, not Tatsuya and not even the crying Junno. Even when all the members gave their messages - apologies taken - apologies understood - but I always felt like one day soon, another member will betray those feelings they tried so hard to convey. I don't know much about Jin, but for the five members I grew to love, I really don't think they are bad people. I really think they love us and I do believe that whatever promises they make to us, that they honestly think they'll be able to deliver... but mankind is mankind.
But of course, even with all the expectation and self-defense of distrust, you can never be prepared for a member leaving a haven you've grown to love.
Nothing could have prepared me for Junno's leaving.
I cried for about 3 minutes. I cried during Junno's initial annoucement and into their performance. Just about 3 minutes, because I remembered what I promised myself when Koki left... to me... fandom serves only one purpose... and that one purpose is to make me happy. Any tears I shed because of fandom, should be tears of happiness... not pain or disappointment.
Of course, I still don't feel any better. But I decided that it's important for me to prepare myself. Right now, all is hell. But I'm convinced, I know for sure that for me, at least, this will all pass. I'll tear up and I'll miss Junno and I'll become confused when I only see 3 members - the whole ordeal with Koki leaving will happen again... but just like with Koki, I'm determined to get over all that makes me unhappy. I shouldn't have to deal with RL shit and fandom shit since I'm in fandom to get away from RL shit.
Yes. I'm worried about the future of KAT-TUN... and I'm deliberately trying not to think about it (though it seems today Kame reassured about a concert next year and asked for support). These days when people ask me who is my ichiban, I find myself hesitating... not because my love for Kame has fallen, but because my love for KAT-TUN has grown so much that I enjoy seeing all 4 members in one place rather than watching one member only... and this is because KT has a charming dynamics, and that's what makes them really KAT-TUN... their personalities and how those personalities blend and complement each other. And I could've said the same for Koki but I think Junno was... is... was... is... good for KAT-TUN... his personality was really like the sun... they would tease him alot but he had his own way with each member... the way he and Kame would joke around... the teasing he and Nakamaru would do, and then I'm not even being JunDa biased here but I really think Junno brings out a different playful reaction from Ueda... something that only Junno can do... actually, this is the precise reason why I got so inlove with JunDa, it's because for some weird reason, Junno is able to bring out that side of Ueda...On a 'member ai' basis, I can see Nakamaru and Ueda being good together... Nakamaru and Kame being good with each other... and Kame and Ueda being good together, I can see all three of them being good together BUT, it's really Junno who perfectly blends and naturally smudges the lines between everyone.
JunDa... this OTP of mine might prove to be a whole different and difficult hurdle. Btw, I recommend playing the audio for this clip ^^ *Sooo cute*
Junno is still a member of KT. I guess I'm glad for the time to adjust? Maybe... I'm still not sure. But he's still in KT. It will be awkward watching programmes like Tame Tabe with them being all normal and crazy while knowing deep down that soon it will all end. But he's still in KT. So I'll use my time and try my best to adjust. Bit by bit, I want to allow myself to let go... not just of Junno but also of JunDa (my heart bleeds for this, because this pairing really allowed me to improve on my creative writing skill). I'll finish my fics. And I'll still make my flail posts... I'll clear my folders of everything I've pending (at least I'll try my best to)... I don't know how possible it is, but in 5 months, I want to release Junno (as in get in the mindset that I won't be hearing his Iriguchi Deguchi Taguchi Desu again) - I can't hate him... I can't hate him and that makes me angry... and I get even angrier when I keep thinking that it's probably possible to reverse all this in 5 months, just like in the movies or anime or manga... like it's not too late to change all this... it pisses me off so much that even though I plan to, that I still have a long way in letting go of him. And it makes me wonder, 'what the hell would I have done if I'd devoted more of my life to them than I already have?" Just suppose I didn't have other interests different from the KT fandom?!
I hope Junno is happy with the choice he has made (otherwise, this pain and anger and heartwreck would all be in vain)... but for now, just for now, for the time being, I hope he's just as miserable and losing sleep the way we are now.
My misery needs company!
But the crazy part is, this really seems like something that would happen to KAT-TUN. Like, the members of KT are really prone and known for their nonconformance... and so, it's like we expect shit like this to happen to our fandom because our guys are just those sort of men. They're honest and they mean good but still... they're a bit selfish... a bit roguish and ironically, that's what attracts us to them.
But, you know what's even crazier?
If I could do it all over again... If I could go 5 years back to that day I first stumbled upon them... then unblinkingly... curiously... without hesitation... very gladly... and simply naturally... I would choose KAT-TUN again.